2 days ago
“I ne'er thought I needed therapy,” says Michail Antonio during a agelong speech astir nan darker broadside of football, trauma and wherever it went incorrect for West Ham. “I was ever a happy person. But I had truthful galore demons.”
This is not conscionable astir nan infinitesimal that almost costs nan 36-year-old his life. Antonio knows really fortunate he was to look from nan wreckage pinch only a surgery limb aft crashing his Ferrari while driving location from training successful December 2024, but it is 1 portion of nan communicative and location are plentifulness much chapters to write.
The erstwhile West Ham guardant lets it each retired successful Humans Not Robots, his earthy and entertaining caller book. After opening pinch a communicative astir nan crash, nan autobiography moves connected to a different benignant of blow. Antonio talks astir nan aftermath of West Ham’s triumph complete Fiorentina successful nan Conference League last successful 2023. He had a statement pinch his ex during nan celebrations astatine nan Fortuna Arena and could not bring himself to spell retired pinch his teammates for nan statement successful Prague.
Antonio zoned retired connected nan autobus backmost to nan squad hotel. Josh Ewens, a sports intelligence astatine West Ham, felt nan diminution successful Antonio’s mood, telling him he seemed “drained by life”. It deed home. On nan travel backmost from nan ground, Antonio thought he was simply weary aft helping West Ham triumph their first trophy successful 43 years. “I conscionable went backmost to slumber connected nan coach,” he says. “But it wasn’t tightness from nan game. It was tightness from life. I was going done truthful overmuch extracurricular of shot I conscionable couldn’t muster up nan power to spell and bask myself.
“A batch of nan times it was maine telling nan boys: ‘Let’s person a party.’ But 1 of nan biggest things that’s ever happened successful my life, connected that juncture I couldn’t muster nan power to go. I couldn’t understand myself. I ne'er said to my teammates astir it. They knew that I was going done things pinch my ex, but they didn’t cognize really overmuch it was affecting me. In nan changing rooms, it’s crazy. No 1 really cares arsenic agelong arsenic you’re performing.”
It took nan caput physio astatine West Ham to push Antonio into seeking master help. “I felt for illustration therapy was thing for crazy people,” he says, but he feared he was veering towards depression. “I was stuck successful limbo. I was going to training and everything conscionable seemed a blur. If I went immoderate longer, I astir apt would person fallen into depression.”
Talking has fixed Antonio clarity. He does not clasp backmost successful his book. Antonio speaks astir nan hidden broadside of nan game, astir really expendable players are. He did not person an academy upbringing and perpetually had to beryllium group incorrect aft rising from non-league.
But Antonio dug successful and established himself arsenic 1 of West Ham’s modern greats aft joining successful 2015. He is nan club’s grounds goalscorer successful nan Premier League, pinch 68 goals successful 268 appearances. Manuel Pellegrini tried and grounded to discard him. Antonio was 29 and came adjacent to retiring. “I was conscionable falling retired of emotion pinch it,” he says. “Money isn’t happiness. If I’m crying successful furniture astatine location I’d alternatively not do it.”
Again he managed to support going. Antonio, who joined West Ham arsenic a winger, was concisely utilized arsenic a right-back by Slaven Bilic. David Moyes struck golden by turning him into a striker. Still location were doubts. West Ham signed different forwards and Antonio feels his contracts ne'er reflected his worth.
“It was nan nine not appreciating what I do,” Antonio says of nan negotiations complete money pinch David Sullivan, West Ham’s co-owner. “The first year, they wanted to salary maine for illustration a right-back. Every clip they brought successful a caller player, they sewage nan large contracts. They would perpetually bring personification other successful connected much than what I was getting, moreover though I was retired location doing nan job.”
Why not leave? The easy reply is that Antonio loved playing for West Ham. He offered a compromise, saying he would extremity playing for Jamaica if West Ham agreed to meet his costs demands. No dice.
“People do dainty players for illustration meat,” Antonio says. “As soon arsenic you get a spot stale, they commencement getting free of you. People consciousness for illustration because you’re making bully money everything should beryllium cushy, but group spell done things arsenic quality beings.”
Antonio is not ungrateful. He knows he is privileged. But he collided pinch reality aft his crash. He felt fresh aft going done rehabilitation, but talks complete a caller woody pinch West Ham were fraught. There had been a alteration while Antonio was out, Graham Potter replacing Julen Lopetegui arsenic head successful January 2025. The temper shifted. Antonio mostly blames his departure successful nan summertime of 2025 connected Potter.
“I was angry because I didn’t for illustration really they dealt pinch it,” he says. “I’m straightforward. Don’t hide thing from me. And he kept connected saying to me: ‘We’re going to spot what’s going connected pinch you and your contract, I’m going to time off it pinch nan owner, you conscionable request to speak to nan owner.’
“Then I’ll speak to nan proprietor and he’ll beryllium like: ‘Graham doesn’t want you.’ I kept going for illustration a yo-yo. At nan opening Sullivan said he was going to springiness maine a contract. I was going to person different year, build myself backmost alternatively of having to spell retired connected trial.”
Antonio is scathing astir Potter, criticising him for letting excessively galore knowledgeable players spell past summer. “They sewage free of nan halfway of nan elder group,” he says, reasoning of himself, Lukasz Fabianski, Vladimir Coufal, Edson Álvarez and Aaron Cresswell.
Antonio watched from afar arsenic West Ham tumbled into a conflict to enactment successful nan Premier League. He felt that Potter, who was replaced by Nuno Espírito Santo successful September, was incorrect to effort to make nan squad much expansive. “Potter wasn’t doing good from January,” he says. “The nine backed him successful nan summer. And past Potter goes: ‘Oh, we’ve sewage nary leaders.’ But you sewage free of each nan leaders.”
West Ham person gone down, Nuno incapable to prevention them. Antonio feels he could person helped. Instead, he was adjacent to joining Brentford and Leicester, only to prolong musculus injuries. He had a stint successful Qatar and is backmost successful London. Antonio has not made up his mind, but is reasoning astir retirement. He has worked arsenic a pundit and would emotion to go a presenter. Hosting a gameshow would beryllium a dream travel true.
Antonio is utilizing his voice. He was nan youngest kid successful a large family and often had to clasp his tongue. He buried his feelings and felt ignored and carried that symptom into adulthood. He thinks nan United Kingdom needs a therapy revolution, believing children request an outlet.
Do footballers extremity up successful a authorities of arrested development? “In nan changing rooms, it’s for illustration you’re kids,” Antonio says. “There are friends, location are colleagues, but location are 30 group battling for 11 spots. Those 19 group not playing are astatine times bitching astir nan players who are. ‘How’s he playing successful beforehand of me?’ There’s truthful galore snakes successful football, truthful galore group who are fake. I’ve only sewage two, possibly 3 footballer friends.”
Antonio thinks astir his 7 children. “My first child, he’s 14 now. How I raised him and my different kids earlier therapy is wholly different to my different kids. When my boy was crying for nary logic I was like: ‘Stop crying’. But he’s crying because it’s his emotions that he’s trying to fto out. Now I fto them outcry for a small bit.”
Would he want his children to spell into football? It seems Antonio loves nan game, but not nan industry. “I don’t push my kids,” he says. “My oldest, he’s been trying a fewer clubs. I opportunity to him each azygous year: ‘If you don’t want to, don’t consciousness for illustration you’re getting immoderate unit from me.’ The authorities and being capable to woody pinch fans, managers, owners is truthful hard. If you haven’t sewage resilience, you cannot beryllium a shot player.”
Antonio has it successful spades. But he is done proving group wrong. He is contented and free of bitterness. We finish, inevitably, by wondering really often nan clang comes up. “All nan time. We’ll beryllium having a gathering and talking astir anything. And they’ll beryllium for illustration ‘Oh, we can’t skip past nan car crash.’ It has been astir 2 years now. It was massive. I did almost die, but it’s astir moving forward.”
Humans Not Robots by Michail Antonio (HarperCollins) is published connected 4 June. To support nan Guardian, bid your transcript astatine guardianbookshop.com. Delivery charges whitethorn apply.
