2 weeks ago
It’s grad season, and The Daily Show‘s Monday nighttime big Jon Stewart has you covered connected really to ace that caller occupation question and reply arsenic you measurement into nan existent world post-college.
“Maybe nan proposal that we’ve been giving them each on — astir honesty and difficult activity and each that different cheery crap — is wholly wrong,” he began. “Maybe, we should each beryllium students astatine Donald Trump University, which, obviously, you can’t beryllium because it was a fraud and sewage unopen down, but metaphorically…”
Addressing nan Class of 2026 — “everybody stitchery astir … your phone, encephalon chip, smart fridge, nevertheless you’re watching this” — Stewart past jumped into a satirical clang people connected really to get hired nan “Trump way.”
First, nan handshake: “Young grad, you locomotion into nan room. And what person we ever told you to do? ‘Eye contact, patient handshake, settee in.’ But that’s what losers do. What you want to do is group nan position of nan conflict successful nan interview,” Stewart said, arsenic nan surface showed a number of clips of Trump manhandling various politicians’ arms during greetings. “‘Yeah, I will return your fucking hand! I will— Give maine your fucking hand! Give it to me! It is now my— Oh, I want your hand! Give maine your fucking hand!”
“And if you travel retired of that question and reply pinch a manus that looks immoderate little grotesque than this one, you did it wrong. Don’t look away! Look astatine it! That is simply a manus that won nan interview!” Stewart quipped arsenic an image of Trump’s severely bruised manus flashed beside him.
After playing a video of Trump declining to delineate his cons, Stewart commented, “In nan interview, ‘what are your weaknesses?’ ‘I don’t know. Hire me, and you’ll find out. I sewage a batch of ’em. I’m reckless, I make decisions connected impulse. I do very small planning. I’m corrupt arsenic a motherfucker. But that’s gonna beryllium my small concealed until I get this job… Oh, here’s 1 of my weaknesses: I make each nan women successful nan agency incredibly uncomfortable.'”
Stewart past played a supercut of Trump’s dispute and derogatory outbursts to female journalists earlier saying: “So for you graduates, I cognize that this proposal and behaving successful nan measurement you conscionable witnessed seems counterintuitive. ‘Why would I alienate nan very group that I’m appealing to, who are conscionable doing their occupation and asking reasonable questions?’ And my reply to that is: I don’t know. I don’t cognize why this works. I don’t fucking get it. But present we are, and present he is. And he’s president, and I’m connected basal cable. I don’t understand!”
He added, “Chances are, astatine this point, erstwhile you deed them pinch nan ‘that’s a stupid question, and you’re evil,’ nan question and reply is over. Because you’ve aced it.”
But wait, there’s more. In today’s integer world, employers whitethorn do a expanse of your online activity, and while anterior contented dictated being prepared pinch a “cogent” and “believable” logic for questionable societal media posts, that’s really not necessary, arsenic exemplified by Trump, erstwhile asked astir his AI-generated Jesus photo.
“Because, apparently, moreover though nan Bible is Trump’s favorite book, he doesn’t cognize nan quality betwixt Robby Robinavitch and Jesus. Wow!” Stewart exclaimed.
The late-night big concluded, “Great occupation successful nan interview. So acold you’ve been: arrogant, self-centered, narcissistic, ignorant, speedy to declare credit, quicker to deflect blame, petulant, short-tempered, vulgar, corrupt — sanction immoderate misdeed from Trump’s favourite book, you’ve been it. And apparently, successful nan Upside Down that is now our country, that’s nan measurement to do it. So congratulations, you’re hired. The only point near to do now is blatantly bargain from whoever it was that hired you.”
The speech past wrapped pinch news of Trump’s $1.7 cardinal money to compensate friends and Jan. 6 rioters — to beryllium paid for pinch payer dollars.
