2 hours ago
I dislike birthdays, particularly my own, which is ominously arriving adjacent month. I utilized to emotion them, backmost successful those days erstwhile I had thing tangible to look guardant to: getting my first car, graduating precocious school, my first ineligible alcoholic drink, a caller Star Wars movie that’s really good. That clip is agelong gone. I tin do each those things I listed, positive I haven’t seen a bully Star Wars movie successful much than 20 years. What americium I moreover celebrating astatine 42? A somewhat paunchier waistline? A larger bald spot? If nan coming you’re getting maine isn’t a free Turkish hairsbreadth transplant, I don’t want it. I don’t relish being 42, but ideate if I were 250?
America (the country, not nan band) turns 250 this weekend, and we’re each meant to observe that truth connected nan Fourth of July. Millions of dollars person been poured into marking nan occasion, though fewer of nan events clasp overmuch entreaty for me. I didn’t watch nan UFC event; I person nary desire to watch a bunch of cars driving astir successful circles, and nan PragerU Freedom Truck hasn’t moreover travel to my town. I couldn’t moreover get to yet spot Vanilla Ice unrecorded successful concert. Like each birthday, a batch of money has poured into a time wherever nary 1 has immoderate fun.
Even if I’m a day grump, I do deliberation I could person done a amended occupation commemorating 250 years of Budweiser-soaked Americana. It each starts pinch nan astir important portion of immoderate birthday: nan gift. While I can’t connection each American a free hairsbreadth transplant, I deliberation I could travel up pinch thing amended than a miniature woody arch, a poorly attended authorities fair pinch a malfunctioning ferris wheel, and a excavation afloat of greenish slop. A $50 Roblox gift paper from Target and a hug would beryllium a amended gift than immoderate of those.
Let’s commencement by eliminating nan electoral college. The full point has turned into a existent pain, not conscionable because nan absurd strategy gave Donald Trump nan presidency contempt his winning less votes than his title successful 2016. Put that speech for a moment: nan existent problem pinch nan electoral assemblage is I person to do mathematics each 4 years. Trying to cobble together really galore electoral votes each campaigner has is only somewhat little annoying than figuring retired various World Cup group shape tiebreaker scenarios. We mightiness arsenic good prime nan president done a marathon convention of Dungeons & Dragons. Let John Roberts beryllium nan dungeon maestro and spot really it goes. It would surely beryllium much entertaining than what happened successful 2000.
My 2nd gift to nan United States would beryllium making Puerto Rico a state. The US controls 14 territories, 5 of them inhabited by people. Puerto Rico mightiness beryllium a mostly self-governing organization pinch a unsocial civilization that predominantly speaks a different language, but truthful is Texas. Throw Guam successful location while we’re cooking, too. I deliberation we’re owed for a caller emblem anyway. Plenty of room for much stars up there.
Lastly, and astir important of all, I’d unit HBO to do a play 9 of Game of Thrones. So galore Americans simply weren’t satisfied pinch really nan show ended. Time to hole this and genuinely bring nan state together. While each nan main actors are still around, I deliberation we could shave disconnected immoderate accumulation costs by having AI make 10 episodes. Sure, astir of nan renders would look terrible; half nan formed would travel retired of nan procreation pinch other fingers aliases soulless, dormant eyes. The speech would beryllium worse, nan stories would beryllium cliche instrumentality service, and it would awesome nan inevitable extremity of quality creativity, but astatine slightest we could yet get each nan characters to buss astatine nan extremity for illustration we really wanted. If we’re trying to beryllium patriotic and springiness backmost to our beautiful nation, nan champion point we tin do is yet make thing pinch nan billions of dollars that person been invested into artificial intelligence. We’d put astir of nan movie manufacture retired of work, but omelettes require surgery eggs.
Whatever we do this play to admit nan unceasing transition of time, it should grant nan tone of nan country. A adjacent nary 1 goes to and fencing astir a nationalist monument does consciousness successful statement pinch nan moribund vibe of nan United States, but much tin and should beryllium done. With that successful mind, I’m going to observe some America’s day and excavation appropriately. I’m getting a 30-pack of beer, locking my door, binging immoderate Theo Von podcasts, and dumping my life savings into a Kalshi stake that Donald Trump dances to YMCA astatine nan extremity of his speech. With immoderate luck, by nan conclusion of my drinking-and-gambling binge, each my problems will magically spell away. Hiding, irrational optimism, and unspeakable financial decisions. That’s America.
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Dave Schilling is simply a Los Angeles-based writer and humorist
